DAMMIT!

Today I got the news that my sister had a reoccurrence. The breast cancer she fought so bravely ten years ago is back! She is so funny, she is really upbeat, but I know deep down she must be terrified. I hate that she has to go through all that awfulness again. That chemo was worse than terrible. Tomorrow she goes back to the doctor, and she'll get the pathology report. In the meantime, I just hope this is all a bad dream and I want to wake up right now!

Maddie sings Marvin Gaye

Okay, this has nothing to do with my illness, but I thought this was darn cute.....

Is it fair?

I can't believe I'm posting again after all this time, but today I am compelled to. Carla e-mailed me today. She told me that a co-worker of Janet's, who was diagnosed with CC the same time as I was passed away today. This poor man, was 52. I never knew him, but I feel the loss of his family. This man wasn't as "lucky" as I was. By the time he started to experience symptoms, the cancer had gone through his colon and spread to his liver. The doctors gave him two years. They were being generous. He barely made it to one. I know he underwent chemo and was ill, so I wonder how he spent the last year of his life. I just hope he wasn't sick and miserable the entire time.

Sometimes I feel like I cheated death this time around. Is it fair that I survived but this man, and others like him didn't? Some might argue that god spared me because I still had my children to raise. Maybe, but this man had a 20 year old son, and I know he will miss his dad.

I would like to reach out to the family, but I know I can offer them no comfort. They might even wonder, why did I survive and their husband/father did not? I do grieve for that family though. It's odd though. I never met them, wouldn't know who they were if I walked passed them on the street, but I grieve with them, even if they don't know it. It's better that way.

Free at last, free at last.....

I'm cured. I saw Dr. Lamon yesterday, and he said my CT scan came back clear, my CEA blood levels are normal. He does not recommend chemotherapy at this time, and I can go back and live my life the way it was before March.

While I was waiting for Dr. Lamon in the examining room, I was reading Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike". Lance had just won the first Tour de France after having being successfully treated for testicular cancer. A reporter asked him what was going through his head as he crossed the finish line. Lance said: "I'm shocked, but I just want to say one thing,if you get a second chance in life for something, you have to do it all the way." That advice really hit home for me. Here out, I'm going to try to live a more purposeful life. I haven't figured out exactly how, but that's the plan.

This just might be my last post to this blog, but keep checking back, you never know. Thank you all for supporting me on this journey, the road my not have been that long, and it could have been infinitely worse, but I could not have done it without the support of you guys, my family and friends. I love you all, I really do.

Now I have to call the dean and tell her I'm coming back to school in the fall.

Tootles
Myra

Visit to the oncologist

Hi everyone.

I saw Dr. Lamon, the oncologist yesterday. He told me is looking for a reason to put me on chemo. I don't want it.
I have/had stage II colon cancer, which means there is no detectable cells in my lymph nodes, and he is 90% that it hasn't spread to other organs, I will be getting a CT scan to rule that out for sure. He also ordered a genetic marker test to see if I am genetically predisposed to CC. So it looks like I'm not out of the woods yet. He doesn't want a recurrance---neither do I. I will undergo chemo if he forces the issue. I guess better safe than sorry. I've read that CC chemo does not result in hair loss, which will be good because it would really freak my kids out. I'm just worried about how it's going to make me feel---and that nausea, oh my god. I went through this with my sister, and she was very nauseated after chemo. Well, I guess when you think about it, it's better than the alternative.

Love y'all
Myra

Koppel on Cancer

tivo this:

Forgiveness....

Hi everybody,

This post has been in the making (mainly in my head) since I was in the hospital. I've debated whether I should post it or not. But If you're reading it, I guess I decided to post it afterall.

Everybody, near and far, people I know well and near-strangers have moved me to tears becuase of the support they have given me during this very difficult time in my life. Well, almost everyone, with the exception of two members of my own family. I won't mention their names, or their latest dirty deeds, but most of you know who they are. And if you don't, it's not really that important, that's not really the point anyway.

I didn't expect these people to be supportive, but what I didn't expect were them to be mean. This isn't the first time this couple has gone out of their way to be mean---oh, I don't know why, jealousy, unhappy with their own lives, who knows. I've attempted to extend the olive branch several times, only to have the branch snatched out of my hand, and shoved up my you-know-what. Everytime I make it to church, the gospel is always about forgiveness. I have tried to forgive these people over the years, and I guess I've been more-or-less successful, but I'm really having trouble this time. This last stunt was so mean-spirited, so uncalled for, I was just shocked. It shocked a lot of my friends too. Wyatt has written them off completely.

How do you forgive people that are undeserving, and hateful?

When I was in the hospital, I looked at all the flowers, cards and outpouring of support, and made a promise to myself that I whould concentrate on the people that care about me, and ignore the people that wish to do me harm. It's hard though. I don't know what to do, because it still bothers me from time to time. I guess time heals all wounds.

Any advice?